Dear Cis Heterosexual Women: Stop Trying to Make Gay Men Your Surrogate Husbands.
If I’ve seen it once, I’ve seen it a million times. Always the same ole storyline, rehashed, revamped and regurgitated just with a different set of actors. The scene opens with a heterosexual women being in some sort of acute distress (usually over some dude who won’t give her no “act right”). Then in an act of pure desperation, she dials up her ONE magical homosexual amigo who without hesitation runs to her aid, showers her with constant praise, attention and alcohol as they Kiki and commiserate over the perils of loving emotionally unavailable men. Then when her dude calls her back over for a slow romantic screw in a seedy hotel room, her gay “boyfriend” is tossed aside like a used Kleenex on a trash-infested sidewalk; left to die alone in his studio apartment right after he feeds his one prissy prune-faced cat.
Sadly many gay men have been relegated to being in this role. They are scripted as the zany effeminate side-kick in almost all dysfunctional love stories that are produced by the Hollywood machine. In television, movies and other media, gay men have been depicted as these comfort men, always at the beck and call of female heterosexual angst. It seems that the part of “gay best friend #1”, while good for adding spice to the cinematic broth, often times is used to deride and trivialize the lives of gay men. Typically you will see them typecast in roles where they act as the back up plan, the background to some heteros foreground and the last resort only called to temporarily fill a void in some female heterosexuals dance card. It seems that gay men are the new designer accessory to heterosexual women and are only seen as confidants, counselors and comfort men used only to compliment the dysfunctional lives of broken women. Sadly sometimes life imitates art.
In my experience, I have had female friends who have tried to act out their “Sex and the City” fantasies on me. They have cleverly tried to put me into the role of Stanford, the gay, tragically alone best friend of Carrie Bradshaw, the quirky chronically single trainwreck. Needless to say those friendships never lasted too long as it became clear that they were painfully one-sided. The moment I was in a crisis and needed similar if not the same level of support, those bitches went off the air nowhere to be found in my hour of need. After that I learned that my sexuality was only acceptable to them as long as it was in the service of their dysfunctional love lives. Sometimes they let me know this in not so tactful ways.
Being the gay surrogate boyfriend is no easy role to escape from as most heterosexual women are looking for a man who is caring, compassionate, a great listener, communicative, fun and attractive and let’s face it, heterosexual men can at times fall short of many of those qualities. This is why female heteros turn to gay men. They enjoy having access to men who possess the aforementioned qualities and enjoy playing out their fantasies with us. Problem is at times they deny our reality for the sake of maintaining their fantasy thus creating a lop-sided imbalance in the friendship dynamic. We are the surrogate boyfriends expected to treat them the way they want their heterosexual boyfriends to treat them. We get all the work, the late night hysterical crying sessions, the gripping, the endless rehashing of every single minuet little detail of their relationship while their actual boyfriends get the love, the booty and the gifts. We are the ones expected to do all the heavy lifting while the men that are treating these women like dog shit get all the rewards. This bit of interpersonal injustice over time becomes too much to bear resulting in the untimely dissolution of many gay male-hetero female friendships.
Considering gay surrogate boyfriend/husband is no easy role to escape from when dealing with my female friends, I make it a habit to erect firm boundaries and make sure that my needs are heard, addressed and respected. If I find that I am doing the majority of listening to the gripes and complaints of my female friends, I tell them to politely SHUT-UP and remind them they are obsessing and it’s time to shift the focus back to me. If they get offended, to hell with um, I pack their drink in a lovely to-go cup and usher them to their next train. I refuse to be used as a comforting coaster holding the emotional wetness of angsty women. They can go on with that mess.
So gay men, if you find that you are being typecast as the role of gay savior to crying actress#1 in the film that is your life, yell CUT immediately and exit stage left. Your life deserves equal if not more attention and you don’t have to play emotional butler to the needs of others as a way of quelling deep feelings of guilt and shame. Sometimes being subservient to the needs of heteros can be a trauma response and an indication of negative feelings about your gay identity. Assert your life. Demand equal attention to your needs. Your feelings are valid too. You don’t have to play second fiddle all your life. Today, reclaim center stage and demand reciprocity as you are a voice in this world that deserves to be seen and heard in all your glory. Shine on!
Originally published at http://luisspeaks.wordpress.com on March 8, 2021.
