I am an Ex-gay Black Christian. I wrote this piece out of necessity because I do not see my experience reflected in the world today. Although intuitively I know there are others like me, I am lonely. Most days I feel like I’m just going through the motions. It seems that as Ex-gay Black Christians, we have tucked ourselves away into our private miseries content to live a life of anguish and agony. We have done this for many different reasons.
Many of us have buried ourselves away into reverse closets of shame due to a fear of being judged and labeled as confused, homophobic, misguided, dishonest and promoters of hatred and cruelty towards the LGBT+ community which is a gross misconception. Others have grappled with the painful dissonance that comes with trying to live righteously according to Bible standards while at the same time trying to manage the relentless Goliath of same-sex attractions. We are given no practical tools on how to quell those 12am yearnings and those 4am stirrings. Our elders, preachers and well-meaning religious leaders tell us to "pray on it", "give it to God" but such trite admonitions do not address the internal suffering that comes along with carrying our torture stakes in the name of obedience to the Lord.
Like the Apostle Paul, we as Ex-Gay Black Christian men have our thorns. For the most part we carry on despite the bleeding in our hearts but some days, we fall short. I do not want to lie to you all. I have fallen short more times than not. I have prayed to God asking him for support and the next hour I was on my knees sucking someone off. Afterwards I felt like dirt. I cried so hard till I wanted to throw up. The next day I felt worse but asked for forgiveness and got right back up on the horse. But I wondered, how long can I keep this up? How long before the next slip up? How long before desire takes me away from God's love?
I tried many times to find support and researched groups online where there were men like me, men who were Ex-gay Black Christians trying to live righteously. I found none. I just found articles that used words like "terrifying" and "hoax" to describe those who wanted freedom from the gay world. I felt so lonely. Many times I contemplated suicide as I just couldn't see myself fighting this demon for eternity. I read books on other ex gay men and women who shared their testimony, ususally white men and women. These were helpful in putting to words pieces of my struggle and yet there was no representation, no men who looked like me telling their story of how they overcame and continue to overcome. There was no in-person support where tools and strategies to address the late night hungers were offered up, no phone-tree exchanges where one could call a "battle buddy" to help address the cravings. Just silence and isolation as it seems that many men of color struggle with not only admitting same sex attraction but also reaching out for support due to fears of being banished, ostracized and rejected by their families, loved ones and faith communities. It is this silence that leads to self harm and spiritual annihilation. This is why I refer to being an Ex-gay Black Christian as a disenfranchised grief, one that no one can talk about because should they discuss this within their preexisting circles, they run the risk of being abandoned, avoided and shunned by those they love. So they keep it hidden and suffer under the weight of spiritual dissonance much like myself in this very exact moment.
This is why I decided to write this. Initially I did not want to write this as I was not in the mood to provide guidance. I wanted to be cared for and not have to care about another’s painful experience but truthfully, I was compelled by spirit and by necessity. This is me crying out for help while also letting other Ex-gay Black Christian Men know they aren’t alone; that their struggle is legitimate— one that exists between the spirit and the flesh. This warfare is not a one man experience. It is a multitude of men who are lost sheep trying to find their way back to the Shepherds loving arms. If this is you, just know I am here, you are not alone. God loves you and he wants you to come back home. Please, come back home.
