“We Are Black Men and We Need Tenderness Too!”: On the Need for Black Male Intimacy and Tenderness
As black men, we are told that we do not need tenderness. We are told that such a need is weak and feminine. We are told that our masculinity will be called into question should we acknowledge our most basic need for nurturance. As black men, we are burdened with expectations and told that to violate these expectations comes with adverse consequences. We are told that we are to be strong, indestructible, impenetrable, disciplined and unaffected. We do not break down. We do not seek help. We just push through and roll with the punches, dealing with life as it comes. We bear up under the weight of so much and do not complain. We keep a stiff upper lip and pray for better days. This is what it means to be a black man these days.
As a result of these beliefs about black male identity, we have drowned out our needs in various vices namely alcohol, drugs, women, men, gambling and violence. We have found various ways to sublimate the resentment we feel for having to bear up under the weight of so many things and yet these things have only jeopardized our physical health and mental well-being. Let’s face it, there is an epidemic of broken men and this can be seen in the spikes in suicide among men as well as the increased rates of substance use and depression in the male population. It is evident that holding on to the traditional tenets of masculinity (as defined by society) is killing us!
As black men, we especially have a difficult time reaching out for help as we live in a very anti-black world that sees us as monsters deserving of harsher treatment. There is a negative zeitgeist on black male lives that has impacted the way we as black men are both viewed and treated in this world. This is clearly seen in the way law enforcement continues to deal with us. We do not always walk away from encounters with police. Our strong demeanor is at times misinterpreted as a threat therefore deserving of excessive force. We are not seen as traumatized men in need of compassion and tenderness. Such a compassionate lens is reserved only for white men. Instead our bodies receive blunt instruments, night sticks and extreme punishment. We get longer prison sentences for the same crimes that white men commit. We do not get to come home to our children because we are not seen as needing tenderness therefore our children grow up without male tenderness and have no choice but to harden under such a traumatizing experience.
There is this underlying perception that Black men are not deserving of tenderness because of their bold presentation. They are seen as coarse, angry and hostile to systems designed to supposedly “assist them”. What many who subscribe to this misconception fail to realize is these systems were often times the manufacturers of black male grief and therefore are not always the beneficiaries of trust and cooperation from black men. These systems have committed heinous acts of violence towards black men and yet somehow believe they are entitled to their cooperation. One such system is law enforcement and needless to say, there is a contentious relationship between law enforcement and black men due to the myriad of state-sanctioned killings that have robbed black men of their abilities as well as their lives. And yet black men are supposed to relax their guard and cooperate? They are supposed to work with a system designed to rob them of their futures?
Many black men also grew up in homes where their parents raised them to be strong because of intergenerational fears that were transmitted from past generations of old as a result of historical abuses of power. Parents of black male children unwittingly instilled fear and caution into their children. In an effort to protect them from being murdered by police and other anti-black systems, their parents and other caretakers denied them access to consistent tenderness. In turn this repeated denial of consistent tenderness suppressed the black childs ability to both give and receive tenderness from others. This is a major factor in the rise of black-on-black crime as sadly we have internalized massas whip and have used it to crack the backs of those with our same skin. We do not afford each other tenderness because sadly we have both over-identified with our oppressors and have been denied access to it ourselves.
In today’s fever-inducing culture of anti-blackness, Black male intimacy and tenderness has been seen as either toxic, pornographic or non-existent. Even conducting online searches for models and examples of black male tenderness yields results that are based on sexual orientation and not spiritual examination. It seems that to be black and male is to be averse to intimacy. To be black and male is to be fetishized and seen as “brazen buck” and “maintenance man”, highlighted strictly for sexual prowess and physical strength. And while vulnerability is a concept that is often times purported for the sake of building healthy relationships, sadly it is not applied to Black men. Our wounds stay salted by the constant underlying attacks on our psyche. The perversion of our most basic intentions with both allegation and assumption coupled with the assigned negative motivations to our basic needs has caused us to build thicker skins and emotional shields that are not always conducive to forming healthy relationships. Because of this our need for tenderness goes unmet and a perpetual cycle of self-neglect ensues.
As Black men, we need to reimagine the tenets of Black masculinity to include tenderness and honor of one another. Lately we have reclaimed our divinity by customizing our language to fit this ideal. We have been calling ourselves “kings” and “gods” to remind us where we come from. We have become one another’s mirror in some respects providing gentle reminders of our roots for the sake of reconstructing our lost identities. We have slowly become comfortable with the non-sexual embrace of one another as men who need healing. We have opted for a spiritual penetration over a physical one and in this we have started the conversation on Black male politics and the need for tenderness. I am hoping that we will continue to carry this torch as we learn how to not only protect ourselves but also be good and present fathers to our children and reclaim our emotional lives from out of the mires of tradition. I believe we are on the right path and together we will continue this work as we hold each other up for the sake of our collective rebirth.
Originally published at http://luisspeaks.wordpress.com on September 1, 2020.
